The first time someone who has never been to medical school touched my vagina.

It needed to be touched. My vagina that is. Kissing had none nothing for me. It hadn't changed me. It hadn't made me feel fabulous ( And that's all I've ever wanted in life honestly...to be fabulous). I had to move on to the next thing. Finger-banging. I'd read enough YA novels to know that is in fact the natural progression. So who was I going to let fondle an area I'd been told all my life to report anyone immediately who even attempted to fondle it? He had to be close to fabulous. Maybe he would rub(!) some fabulousness onto me as well. 

Then one Saturday morning,my brother was getting ready to go play in the annual Ebbz rugby tournment and it dawned on me. A rugby player! They were cool. IDK about fabulous but I'd read how rugby was the new "it" sport and why not get fondled by an "it" boy! So I told my mother to tell my brother I wanted to go with him coz I knew my brother would never be down to take me to a place where I would be outnumbered by males 50 to 1. And with kicks and screams from my sibling, off we went so I could carry out my vagina's mission.

I spotted him immediately. He was captain of the team my cousin was playing for( I hang with my cousin at the tournament because my brother disappeared as soon as we got there and I never saw him till the end. To this day I insist he lies to us and has never played rugby coz none of us has ever seen him play). So there he was. Captain. There was something about him yelling at the rest of the team that made me pulsate down there. "He's married" my cousin told me. "Oh"(How cute was I? Back then I thought that mattered to guys). So I looked around for something else. And there it was. He was cute. Like actually really cute. So I asked my cousin about him. "He's the nicest guy on the team" Bingo! My vagina was going to be touched by a nice guy! I gave my cousin the green light to give him my number and spent the rest of the tournament searching for my alleged rugby player sibling...

He texted about a week later. He wanted to take me out for icecream. Living in the boonies (which I ride or die for btw... Ebbz allday), I had to wait for when my parents were going to Kampala so they could drop me off at Garden City(at 9am I might add). I was so nervous. So so nervous. What if he wasnt as cute as I remembered? After all, that day, to quote Pattie Stanger from Million Match Maker, my pecker was doing the picking. He came to meet me in a rugby shirt(keeping in theme I suppose). We sat at Tutti Frutti and started getting to know each other. He was 23 and looking into rugby professionally. I was 18 and looking to be violated(I didn't say that ofcourse. He really was a nice guy). It was 11 when the small talk ran out. So we decided to go see the Dark Knight. Perfect! I thought. Its dark, its 12(not even in Uganda is anyone sensible at the movies at 12). No one will see if I casually guide his hand to my brazilian area. We went in for the movie. 

Sat for a few minutes. He put his hand around my shoulders. I moved it so his hand was on my thigh. And waited for him to take charge. He didnt. He really was a nice guy. So I scooted down so his hand had to move higher. He then got the hint and cupped my vagina. My heart, it was in my throat as they say. I was breathing so hard, I'm pretty sure the Asian family in the front row (the only other people in the cinema) knew what was up. He then started a sort of soft massage. My memory could be foggy at this point, but I remember if felt phenomenal. I really felt this was it! This is what everyone means! I get it now! I sat back(I even think I kicked my feet up) and was ready to just relax and enjoy the feeling when he moved my panties aside and put his finger all the way inside my vagina. 
O_o well, this escalated quickly 

The pain was something else. It was like he was searching for something. Something I didn't want him to find. He was scratching my insides. But he looked so eager. He was looking at me like he knew he was giving me the time of my life. But I just needed him to stop. So ladies, I faked my first orgasm. From my very first finger bang, I faked my first orgasm. I won't lie...it has been an ongoing trend. They always think a good finger bang means going all the way in. I never find the heart to tell them even in my almost mid 20s. Why has no one ever told them that its not?(it can't be just me who doesnt like it surely). Should I be the chic who speaks up? Can I be the Rosa Parks of finger banging?

Meg Ryan approves